CSI: Miami Abridged Pirated
by witchbsword
Summary: Pirated has been abridged! Randomosity ensues! High rating to be on the safe side or else jailarity also ensues.


WOOHOO! I get serious highs with reviews! I want to thank all who reviewed!

Thanks to reruns on CBS and the summary on their website, I can bring you the first episode of CSI: Miami Abridged. Once again people, I'm just messing around. I wish I could earn money from this, though. Sure could help with the college bills. Anyone have $30,000 that I don't have to pay back? Anyone? No? Well, it was worth a shot. On with the show!

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**CSI: Miami Abridged**

**Pirated**

Intro Scene 

A couple is diving among the beautiful reefs and colorful fish.

Of course, the sea won't stay beautiful long because divers, like the couple, pollute the habitat. Way to go. The current president should do something about this, but we all know he won't.

Man: --humming-- Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming…

Woman: Will you shut the hell up! You've been singing that damn song since this morning! Besides, we're running out of air. Let's go back up.

Man: But Dori says to 'just keep swimming', so that's what----AAAGGHH! RANDOM DISGUSTING DECOMPOSING DEAD BODIES!

Woman: Nice use of alliteration, Witch!

Witch: Thanks! –grins-- Now stick to the story.

Woman: Right. AAAGGHH! Let's get out of here!

---flash to crime scene where some Main Characters are working with the Coast Guard---

Horatio arrives, strikes "The Pose", and talks to a Random Female Coast Guard Officer and Det. Tripp.

RFCGO: The bodies were found in Florida's waters, so we still have jurisdiction.

Horatio: MWAHAHA! I am still in charge! Find Delko and tell him to get his butt down into the water.

Tripp: --rolls eyes-- He's already in the water. Here's the radio.

Horatio: --quietly-- oh. –grabs radio and assumes commanding voice again-- Delko, --imitating Budweiser commercial-- WAAASSSUUUUPPP?

Delko: H! WAAASSSSUUUPPP!

--Tripp and RFCGO look warily at Witch. She shrugs shoulders—

Delko: We have five bodies. We're bringing them up. It's a long and complicated process because we don't want to disrupt the ocean like the earlier divers were.

–Tripp scowls. Apparently, there is tension between Delko and Tripp. What this means, who knows—

FF Calleigh: Hey guys! I'm bored and Original Calleigh kicked me out of the lab, so I thought I'd come here.

Horatio: Ladies and gentlemen, I believe pirates killed these men. I base this on almost no evidence.

FF Calleigh: You mean pirates like –imitating typical pirate voice-- "Argh, shiver me timbers, ho ho ho and a bottle of rum"?

Horatio: --beaming because he thinks he is a genius—Exactly!

--Tripp, FF Calleigh, RFCGO look at each other and burst out laughing—BWAHAHAHA!

--Horatio pouts and sulks off. Tripp heads over to Alexx who is examining a body—

Alexx: I'm going to tell viewers a disgusting lecture about dead bodies floating in water! –She pulls out a crab that crawls out of the mouth. Witch thinks it's a spider and starts to flee in terror. Alexx throws it away.—

Witch: --looking peaked-- Thanks, Alexx, but won't you need that for evidence?

Alexx: Hmm. Good point. If you make it irrelevant, no, I won't.

Witch: Okay! –grins, relieved that she won't have to write about spiders--

Meanwhile, Delko reasons that there must be one more body in the ocean and dives down again. He finds it.

Delko: Who da man!

-----scene cuts to Autopsy Theater-----

Witch: Autopsy Theater? –shivers run down back-- Do, uh, should I get out a book and begin reading a Masterpiece Autopsy? Meh…

--Alexx is there and Horatio walks in. He doesn't wear his sunglasses since he's inside a building, but he still strikes "The Pose", asking

Horatio: What have we got, Alexx?

Alexx: --jabbing knife into chest. Water spurts out of the lungs-- Well, we got water coming out of the lungs. These men were still alive when they were dropped into the ocean.

Horatio: Oooo… what's that? –points to something on dead dude--

--Alexx peels off a clear plastic thingy off a dead dude's skin--

Witch: Looks like a nicotine patch for smokers.

The Powers That Be: It's a waterproof band-aid!

Witch: Whatever…

Horatio: Let's send that over to Trace, Alexx.#

#Translation: Hey you- do my bidding! Send it over to Trace while I mope around HQ and boss others around.#

Horatio: By the way, why do you need two 'x's in your name?

Alexx: I don't know. Ask TPTB.

--Horatio throws a questioning look to TPTB--

TPTB: Studies and statistics indicate that shows and characters with lots of x's get higher ratings.

Witch: You guys got that off of Stargate, didn't you?

TPTB: Shut up! You can't prove it! –looks sneakily around for hidden lawyers that might sue--

--Witch snickers as the scene changes to the Trace Lab where Wolfe is working and Speed is hovering. Horatio walks and strikes…. Oh hell. We all know what he does by now—

Wolfe: I'm examining the "band-aid" under a MICROSCOPE. Oooooo! –rolls eyes—I found a fish scale! And with all the fancy equipment that no real crime lab would have, I can measure how big it is! Then, I look it up in fancy textbooks! –His hand passes over two entries on a page. The first is blue Telapia—

Witch's Dad: Ooo! Telapia!

Witch: Thanks, Dad. Good to know you can read. –muttering-- idiot.

Wolfe: The scale belongs to a Bluefin Tuna Fish that, for some odd reason, is very expensive.

Horatio: If it's expensive, people will kill for it!

Speed: Sadly, that's true… --looks guiltily at his Rolex—

-- Delko struts in--

Delko: Who da man that just found more evidence! A boat called the Eileen has been missing for a week. The owner is Owen Harrell.

Horatio: --thinking: 'I must insert a cheesy joke into each episode, now is good!'— Gentlemen! Let's go fishing!

-- scene cuts to docks--

Owen Harrell: Ok, here's my sob story. I'm a crooked asshat that doesn't want to pay insurance. I'm in a dirty business to earn a little cash.

Horatio: Six men died because of your business.

Owen: Six? There are nine people on the Eileen.

--Horatio and Delko look at each other. They think: '3 people missing? We're farked'—

--Scene jumps and now Delko is with the RFCGO. Using fancy computers, they figure out an approximate place where a life raft could be given the water's currents.--

A Coast Guard Helicopter flies around in circles because the pilot is high. The rescue divers spot two dudes in a raft waving their arms like crazy. There is also a dead body on the raft. One diver jumps into the ocean, almost half a mile from the raft.

Diver: --muttering while swimming—Goddamn pilot gets high and I have to swim half a mile to reach two dumbasses who can't rescue themselves… I seriously don't get paid enough money to do this shit…

Witch: You and me, both, man.

Luckily, the pilot, even while having the munchies craving, gains control and is able to land properly on the HQ building. A body is unloaded. Horatio and Original Calleigh wait nearby.

Calleigh: --in monotone voice-- These guys were not fishermen. They are students from U of Miami doing Semester at Sea.

Horatio: --snaps out of a doze-- Huh? Oh, right. Let's call Alexx.#

#Translation: Go get Alexx.#

Calleigh: I'll get Alexx.

--In the Autopsy Theater (shiver), Alexx shows Calleigh Chip Manning's (the dead dude from the raft) leg, which apparently was bitten off by sharks.

Calleigh: But those look like human teeth marks. –Alexx grabs some funky ruler--

Alexx: You're right. They are.

Calleigh: -- in a shocked, but rather superior voice-- Cannibalism!

DUN DUN DUUUUNNNN

Witch: Original Calleigh has made a breakthrough and broke out of her monotone voice! That takes courage folks, let's give her a round of applause!

--Applause breaks out—

Witch: Good job, Calleigh. Now, let's think about what you said. Cannibalism. Now, these guys have been floating for days at sea without food or water. The dude had probably already died. Thousands of people have eaten other humans or cut off their own limbs to survive. You yourself would do it, too. Don't look at me like I'm crazy! You would! So don't be so damn moralistic. Survival of the fittest, baby!

Author's Note: Okay, now that the team has found all the dead bodies, it's a good place to take a break. Not to mention I'm hungry.

---Leaves to forage in the refrigerator.—

--Comes back with a frozen Philadelphia Strawberry Cheesecake Snack Bar. Witch takes a bite, but howls in pain due to sensitive teeth.—

--grumbles—if I can sue Nature and Genetics for giving me sensitive teeth, I can get money for college! WOOHOO! –looks in Yellow Pages for lawyers--

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Apparently, I'm not supposed to give shoutouts, but I'm pretty sure this whole fic is in violation of fan fic's rules, so what's one more infraction?

RK9- thanks for pointing out Delko's nationality. I'll fit it in somewhere. I also explained the deal with Calleigh, right? Okay.

woody27- I aim to please! Thanks for thinking I'm the perfect writer for this job, but keep those thought to yourself. _It's obvious that now you will have expectations, which puts a lot of pressure on me and I don't respond well to PRESSURE!_

--thanks, Lewis Black!—

Stayed tuned for Chapter 2, folks!


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